A Woman—Does She Need Fixing?

COMING FROM a family of ‘only girls’ didn’t feel or appear at all peculiar or awkward throughout my childhood or growing-up years—up until suddenly, after Dad had died, I discovered a strange kind of stigma’d status beginning to attach itself to me. Sentences spoken, statements made around me, typically comprised words that made me feel like an incomplete being. Incapacitated. I had only just graduated but was made to feel like one in a plastered cast, in need of crutches… (I’ll call it my moment of reckoning… of Being a Woman & what it really means).

Beauty, gentleness, love, a sensitive nature, an understanding heart—symbols of womanhood and a framework for every little girl.

A woman, almost always the inspiration for a song, a story, a poem, and a painting.

It is a woman who has the responsibility to nurture, mould, and shape human life. With her role as a mother, she paves a path for generations to follow, thereby unmistakably swaying the destinies of the world.

While her sensitive nature encourages idealism, the nature of a woman’s responsibilities also demands practicality—a combination of the two, so worthy of note.

Must read | She is not a Servant

From creation on, a special place was created for her to be filled by just being a woman. A true place of honour, and yet… these bequeathed blessings turn into scarred blots when they start to pressure for perfection.

Together with the celebration come the struggles that tend to overpower the feeble flicker of glory, which is snuffed out often even quicker than its energy is felt.

The scrutiny, the scanning that every woman meets across the stages in her life is undoubtedly crippling.

We have read about it, seen it happen before us, even experienced it.

She is crippled from as young as a child, when she’s taught to be unassuming. Laughed at or taunted if she tries to stand up for herself, to be quiet, not to be seen let alone heard, to only speak when spoken to, to let another go ahead, to always wait her turn. ‘Be nice,’ ‘do as you are told,’ ‘never be bossy’—is what she is taught to believe to be her worth.

Always being told what to do and what not to, who to be, how to act, how to dress, how to behave. At home, at school, in the workplace, in society—every phase of her life is under myopic scrutiny.

Judged is she at every twist and turn—if single, fingers point, blaming her for having something wrong with her… if married, then comes the ‘do you have kids’ question, which can invoke ache, torment, even anger out of those who have chosen not to, or not been able to.

She is given a shelf life. Marriage is, for her, not an option but life’s prerequisite, which she must not miss out on, adding to it the pressure of meeting the criteria of being placed favourably in the market—quantified and assessed by her looks, her skin colour, her height and weight, her skills at domestic chores, her demeanour, and not forgetting her educational qualification, standing as the insignia in the epaulette of the man who chooses her.

As a woman faces the world, she might rebel, or not, most often choosing to conform, to comply, to fit in wherever possible, because somewhere in the subconscious, there’s the fear of taking up too much space in the world—an instilled fear of speaking too much or too firmly, hiding from shining too brightly.

Then again…

“We are becoming the men we wanted to marry,” said Gloria Steinem.

Opinion | Slacktivism and Clicktivism: Curse for Naga Political Movement

I think there would be many who’d agree with me when I say that we have (most of us) been there, greatly embedded in the masculine. Call it armour or a device for survival. In a world of wolves that appear to mostly want to pounce upon a lone prey, vulnerable for reasons out of its control. In desperate necessity, the woman is compelled to dig out another side of her. This time around, she is driven to don the cloak of masculinity.

How does she do that? Here too, a woman faces challenges because, as stated by Murdock in her book: “…the path…is not easy…it is a journey that seldom receives validation from the outside world; in fact, the outer world often sabotages and interferes with it.”

There is, unfortunately, no open, warm, welcoming support as expected—even in the same community of women who are supposedly travelling along this same journey. Instead, there’s often exclusion, inspection, and even jabs of judgement.

“Women do have a quest at this time……. it is the quest to fully embrace their feminine nature, learning how to value themselves as women and to heal the deep wound of the feminine. It is a very important inner journey toward being a fully integrated, balanced, and whole human being…” – Maureen Murdock.

Our lives have stories—stories we live through and stories we learn from. Our stories, however, have been narrated for us by others, who have had their own view of who we are and how we should be in the world. It can take a lifetime to unravel those voices that echo inside our minds, to turn off the ringing echoes and start playing our own tunes.

Our stories are our path. They don’t define us, but they do shape us. We can honour them for who they have helped us become. We can recognize that our journey has been made more beautiful and precious by even each flawed step along the way.

A kind of fear has long been ingrained deeply into the lives of women. Stories have been told, heard of, even seen down the ages of how women have been shut out, killed, burnt at the stake for being heard, being seen, for having free thought, for having passion in a conservative world, for taking up space not meant to be theirs.

All attention has been drawn mainly on how we look, sound, what we wear, our dress size—in fact, anyone famous who dares to gain weight is equally shamed instantly.

“You can never leave footprints that last if you are always walking on tiptoe.” – Leymah Gbowee.

As women, we have work to do in the world. Important work.

We are here to make a contribution, to teach, to lead, nurture, and create.

To be the women we were born to be.

Though many of us have been raised in different times, different cultural narratives—no matter how long it takes or how we come to it—we need to work towards becoming women unto ourselves. Owning our power, passion, and presence.

We need to own the power we have and claim it. That’s the essence. It’s who we are and what we do. It should remain with us in every circumstance of our lives.

In saying sorry without needing to—in finding ourselves saying ‘yes’ when we mean to say ‘no’ or staying silent when, in actuality, we want to scream—in taking on extra work when we already have a loadful—in excusing bad behaviour by letting people off too easily—in making compromises leading us to diminish ourselves—in holding on to a wrong relationship or a job that we’ve outgrown—in pushing aside our dreams to keep other people comfortable in theirs… I conclude with substantiation that…

Opinion | Embracing Inclusivity in Manipur’s Leadership

A woman is as strong as she is soft.

A woman is as resilient as she is vulnerable.

A woman is as fierce as she is afraid.

A woman is as spirited as she is anxious.

A woman is as much a go-getter as she faces hindrances.

A woman is as much a champion as she hits defeat.

A woman is as much tenacious as she may lose her grip.

In all of this stands the truth that a woman need not be fixed. For one so perfectly put together by her creator is not for man to deconstruct. She is enough just as she is—beautiful in all of her femininity.

Zena Singh maybe be reached for feedback at [email protected]

(The opinions expressed in this article are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the views of Ukhrul Times. Ukhrul Times values and encourages diverse perspectives.)